HVR: No, eradicate that – change the word ‘greetings’.
Millie von Tilliebrand-Forelock: Yes, Sir. ‘Bow down’? ‘Heed my words’?
HVR: Quiet, you forty thousand euros a year tax-reduced nobody. ‘Hear ye, hear ye’, will suffice. Now, take this down:
“Looks on my works ye plebs, and do not despair, for I come to give you social justice, equality for all, new technology, a three-day week and the rights of man.
“Forget all that has gone before for that was an illusion. I have decreed that history begins in 1946 with the signing of the European Coal & Steel Communities Act.
“Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, you learned the history of your own ‘countries’ but now your children learn our mutual history of the Second World War and how the European Union was born from peace and goodwill. It is to this end that we are taking voluntary collections for our new Museums and heritage sites – to promote understanding and empathy for others. We have also introduced guidance on ‘Don’t Think Anything Negative About Anybody, Ever’, which will shortly be passed in your Assembly, erm… delete, delete, insert ‘sovereign Parliament’ …under the cloak of “Motions without Debate”.
“Citizens of the World, I and my associates have only your best interests at heart. We come to save you from yourselves and to save the planet from you. You small people, I hope you don’t mind me calling you such for it’s just an inescapable fact and I mean no insult by it, have done a poor job until now. Cows have grazed, sheep have lambed and crops have been grown; you have created butter lakes, wine lakes, milk lakes – in fact, far too much for the world to consume. It has been for your own good that we appointed ourselves to place restrictions on what you can and cannot grow. You little people amuse me so much with your arcane jollities but we are here to put you on the path to prosperity. Life is not always about jollity and we must have regulation; it is for the good of the cause.
“Previously we have let member states have the illusion of autonomy and I emphasise that nothing has changed. To this end, on 9th May, as a mark of solidarity between all school-children, women, men, citizens, stakeholders, players and actors, we will celebrate Europe Day where EU flags will take precedence over flags of member-states. This is a fine gesture on only one day of the year and of which I’m sure you’ll approve unless you’re xenophobes and racists …
“… erm … we don’t have any of those in our Union do we, Ms Talliebrand-Forelock?”
MTF: “The English?”
HVR: “My dear Talleyrand-Forelock, the English don’t even have their own country, let alone their own Parliament. Just finish it off about how it’s only guidance and that the ECHR and the ECJ have nothing to do with it. I know, here’s a good wheeze, tell them they can opt out whenever they hold a referendum. Oh, and do get that Cameron chappie on the phone.”
Time out while HVR laughs his ethically-sourced cotton socks off.