Take a memo

JMB [for ’tis he]: Take a memo Ms Handlesnicely. To Janusz Lewandowski. He’s Polish but what he did in the past is not important to us so don’t bother with titles. All that is important now is that he is the European Commissioner for Financial Programming and the Budget. Begins, and stop sniffling:

My dear Janusz, I think you have forgotten the over-riding concept of solidarity within the European Union. You’ve been more than adequate as our Spokesman but I fear, dear Comrade, that you have lately over-reached yourself.

Come, come, stop your sniffling Ms H, it is most distracting. I cannot hear the sound of my own words.

Ms H: I’m sorry, Sir, but I’ve just heard from the European Union Union that my 1,400 euro a month salary is to be frozen and, not only that but I am likely to be one of the one in twenty fired over the next seven years.

JMB: Come, come, having worked for such a great, world-changing project as our glorious Union, you will not go unwanted in other fields. There are many prospects for you in Local Government and you must still have your contacts in Common Purpose. Now, where was I…

Ah yes, begins: We appreciate your zeal in our mutual endeavours but feel you might like to do a little work on the honesty aspect. It is important that we are congruent in thinking and reporting to the Press. Your pronouncements about global warming have lately been in danger of bringing us into disrepute. This will not do.

Please issue a clarification immediately and we will say no more about it – until the next time. Ends.

Now type it up and have a copy sent to all heads of vassal states as a warning. Come with me, my dear, I have a box of tissues.

The climbdown was posted on Lewandowski’s homepage on Monday (27 June), just days after a trio of MEPs called on European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso to sanction his Polish colleague.

M. Lewandowsky looks askance at Ms Handlesnicely.


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