Right, it’s official – there isn’t any so I’ve decided to just do the best I can.
Scottish Football clamps down on nazis, fascists and knuckle-draggers: The global symbol of oppression has been banned by Stranraer FC. “You may take our flags but you’ll never take our freedom.”
IMF issues another warning to European banks: Lagarde’s comments are expected to spook the markets even more with potentially catastrophic results for the Euro. Yay!
Millions of Brits discover how to handle government policies: Middle-class Britons reveal how they cope with Downing Street Syndrome and BBC-itis.
al-Megrahi in a spot of bother after his medication is “stolen”: NATO and the UN are not looking for a man with a Scottish accent wearing a pin-striped suit and a bowler hat who was seen lurking near al-Megrahi’s hospital bed.
Let’s hear it for China: The only country where the cost of internal security is higher than the budget for national defence. Theresa May is said to be interested in setting up a two-way inter-governmental conference to see what lessons can be learned.
America’s most controversial Imam offers blueprint for peace: He tells Edinburgh’s Festival of Spirituality and Peace that the only way forward for a truly enlightened and harmonious society is to incorporate Shari’a law into British & American legal systems.
A government adviser says don’t worry about immigration: The population of England will soon fall drastically and alleviate the burden on the transport system, education and the NHS.
G4S staff pull the other one and find it’s got bells on: Taxpayers will foot the bill after criminal legged it.
Ugly stick found abroad: Plenty of work found in Germany.
No spin needed: Chocolate is good for you and can cut risk of heart disease, diabetes and strokes.
I’ll keep looking; if anyone finds something please let me know. There has to be something somewhere that isn’t connected with chocolate.